Lest you think I’m perfect…

’cause I KNOW that’s what yall are thinkin’…ha.

My sister made a comment on one of my posts about me and my blog being spiritual, and it got me thinking.  Am I?  What does that mean?  I feel like there is a certain level of expectation that goes along with that.  Maybe rightly so, I’m not sure.  What I do know is that it makes me nervous.  Because I:

  • am not perfect–not even close
  • have not arrived…in fact, I keep tripping myself up on my journey
  • don’t have it all together
  • am very selfish and have to work really hard to remember that life is not all about me and want I want
  • struggle with relationships-being a friend, being a wife…you know, thinking of others needs and feelings before my own
  • am critical and judgmental of others  (thinking they should be perfect even though I’m not)

Granted, I’m spending a lot of time in God’s word right now and I guess that’s coming out in my blog posts.    But that’s a choice.   And only because I was at the end of my rope, did I grab the hem of His garment. (I really hate that word picture–it’s from an email fwd that I see alot!)  But seriously,  I was tired, so tired, of trying to live life on the fence…and that’s where I was, trying to live in the world and conform, and trying to work and live for Jesus—at the same time.  My butt still hurts from squirming on those pickets! (how’s that for a word picture.)

I began to ask myself questions like, “Am I really all in?” “If I stopped believing in Christ today, would my life change?”  “Do I really love God?”   If I’m being honest, the answer to those questions was no.  And I’m talking recently, within the last 12 months or so.  That might surprise people that know me, or it might not.  I might have looked the part of the “Christian”, but deep down, I was bordering on practical Atheist.

I want the answers to those questions to be a whole-hearted YES!  The truth is, it’s not a switch that you can throw and it just happens.  It’s a daily choice to pursue Him, choose Him, love Him, give up stuff, put Him first.   So, why bother?  Because I need His forgiveness, His grace, His salvation, His guidance–I’m absolutely certain I would self destruct with out Him.   Christ gave His life for me–my only logical response is to give mine back to Him.

Just because I talk of spiritual things, does not mean I have it all figured out.  Don’t use me as an example of how to live life…  I’ll do my best, but I’ll fail…guaranteed.  I hope that as I spend more time with Jesus, that I will look more like him and less like me.  My greatest fear is that I’ll show too much Cari when people think they are looking at a “Christian”…that people would be confused about who Christ is, because I did not represent Him well. Only Christ is worthy of mirroring.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Cindi on March 12, 2009 at 9:33 am

    No one expects you to be perfect, if we were perfect, we wouldn’t need a Savior and Thank God we need a Savior. You are a wonderful, spiritual person, at least that is how others see you and you are an inspiration to me, like it or not. : )

  2. Posted by christyd4 on March 12, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    Sorry, but you’re an inspiration to me as well!

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