Archive for April 14th, 2009

thoughts, feelings, and random panic

I’ve been wanting to write a post about this for a while now, but just kept putting it off.  Sorry, had to start with that.

and, oh, how I wish I wouldn’t procrastinate.  In examining the deep reason(s) behind this disrespectful habit, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a defense–either I don’t want to do it, or I’m afraid that I won’t do it well (perfectionism is a curse, ya know).  But nevertheless, it causes me moments of panic and/or guilt and/or embarrassment and/or regret—frequently.

I still have not sent b-day cards to 2 out of town relatives.  Their birthdays were in March.  The b-day card I bought for my sweet friend that I work with EVERY DAY is still at home….her b-day was in February.  Pitiful.  **correction: her b-day was in January!** (even worse!) It’s embarrassing.  It’s either a defense or it’s just a sign of complete self absorption.

I also have to make a dish to feed about 15 people tonight.  Not a clue what that’s going to be yet.  7 1/2 hours till dinner time….and I’m at work–not at the grocery store and not at home in the kitchen.  Hmmm…wonder how that’s going to work out for me?  and the hungry adults coming to my house?

I think I’ve always been like this.  Can a leper change her spots?  Am I doomed to live my life like this?