Archive for the ‘Thoughts, feelings and random panic’ Category

Motion Sensor God

This is probably not completely legitimate theology, but I had a thought one night while running in my neighborhood after dark. As I approached a house that was dark, the light over the garage snapped on. I ran past that now well lit house, easily seeing the ground in front of me. As soon as I got a few steps past, the light snapped off.

It made me think of the promise in James 4:8, “If you come near to God, He will come near to you”. If you are walking close to God, your path will be illuminated. If, on the other hand, you try to do life on your own and don’t include him in your day to day, it will be harder to see where you are going.

I know that God pursues us and uses a multitude of ways to speak to you throughout the darkness, so this isn’t absolute truth–it’s just a observation of how God sometimes works.

Who The Heck Am I?!

I am a relatively self-aware person. In the organization I work for, development and growth are highly valued and frequently discussed. Growth and development BEGIN with self awareness. I know who I am.

So, imagine my surprise when I went to the store and bought a Christmas wreath for our front door in early November!! Me! The one who does not get excited about Christmas things. And then I heard someone playing Christmas music a couple days after that (still early November mind you) and did NOT HATE IT!!! What the heck is happening to me?! If you know me, you would be shocked. Delighted, perhaps, but most definitely surprised by this new attitude towards all things Christmas.

Actually, I became most concerned when, just today, I was looking closely at a picture of a cat and thought “I really want that cat.” A CAT?! Since when have I ever wanted a cat?!?! NEVER. Never. Never. So strange, because it was so sincere inside me.

Leading me to ask the question, “Who am I?!”

My dreams are often very vivid, a little odd, and can be very revealing about what is going on in my head…or not. There was the dream about designing a new Mace with regenerative cells so the burning effect wouldn’t wear off. Or the one where I had to coach a basketball team. Or the one where I was walking around carrying a big wad of cash. My dreams are not dull.

Twice this month I’ve dreamt that I discovered hidden, forgotten rooms in a house we lived in. What does that mean?! Am I the house? Are there hidden and undiscovered things in me? I am taking on lots of new responsibilities at work and learning new things so that is probably where that comes from. ??

But the cat? And Christmas? I don’t know what that is all about. Somebody tell me what’s happening to me!

Trees, Leaves, Mountains, Beaches

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Nature.  or NāCHa, when I feel like an British accent.  I love nature.  Love being in it.  Love watching it.  Love. It.  Some people  love to travel to places like New York City and Las Vegas.  Me?  I would love to see the Redwoods in California.  or Aurora Borealis.  I have little desire to see what man made, I mean it’s alright, but doesn’t compare to the things that God made. Mountains?  Amazing.  Beaches? GORGEOUS.  Trees, sunsets, sunrises, all bodies of water, the moon…my favorites.   Even the air outside is better than indoor air.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the shelter of my home and wouldn’t ever want to lose that, but I don’t spend near enough time outside.

 

Blaahg, Blaahg, Blaahg

I wanna be a regular blogger.  My cousin is.  Just little snippets from her daily life.   Observations from her past.   Photos of her, her pets, her girls.  Current struggles.  Ideas for the future.   Just anything that comes to mind I suppose.  It’s interesting to read and I always look forward to what she has to say (even if it’s sometimes a woe-is-me depressing perspective on her current life situation).  I feel like I know her better even though we live miles apart and rarely see each other.

I would be a better blogger, I think, if I could get a handle on who my audience is.   and I don’t mean who is actually reading, but who I am writing to.  These days I’m just writing to my future self, I suppose.  and my cousin.   and maybe my sister, but she’s busy, so I can’t be sure.

I could write about all of the progress we’ve made with our house repairs.  I could commentate our current flea infestation.   Let you in on the secret that it takes an average of 4 times to hit the pause button on our remote for it to pause.  Confess that I rarely measure things when I cook and not because I am confident in my cooking abilities, but because I’m lazy and don’t want to dirty a measuring cup or spoon. I could discuss my 50 miles in October in challenge.  I could tell you about my struggle to schedule family pictures. My maternal feelings towards Cory’s girlfriend.   The possibilities…

Scrolling back through my blog, I really like the posts with pictures the most.  So, here’s some from a recent evening out with BOTH of our kids at the same time.  We spent way more than we should have, but we didn’t want to go home because they would have gone to their rooms and shut their bedroom doors (I know parents of teenagers understand) …so, dinner, cupcakes, coffee, etc.  Totally worth it.

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Random Confessions

I haven’t tried something new every month like I said I was…at least not intentionally.  I forgot.  I got busy.

I have been watching a lot of reruns of Castle…mostly because I’m fascinated by Kate Beckett’s hair. I love her hair. and Nathan Fillion.  But mostly her hair.

I have not been playing/practicing the guitar…I have used every excuse in the book. But mostly I’m just lazy.

I procrastinate.  Let me show you my wall after termites and leaky pipes had their way for months/years.  Don’t procrastinate.  It’s ugly.

Sometimes I wear multiple headbands wrapped around my wrist because I like that layered look of different textures and layers of bracelets but don’t want to spend the money on lots of bracelets….and I think I’m fooling people into thinking I’m actually wearing bracelets.

I have trouble handling stress.  It physically affects me.  Drags me down.

I have trouble giving up control.  Who doesn’t, right?! But sitting in the passenger seat while my teenager learns to drive, darn near gives me an anxiety attack every time.   On a positive note, it forces me to rely on Jesus. or I would explode… x_x

My job title has the word pastor in it now, yet I feel totally inadequate to live up to the expectation that comes with that word.  Totally. Inadequate.

Ya Can’t Please Everyone

Isn’t that the truth?  Sometimes I feel like I can’t please anyone.  Galatians 1:10 says  Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.  I really don’t think I’m a people pleaser, but daily I feel like I let someone down and it bothers me, so maybe I am.  But, really, I don’t think I live for the approval of people…but I do like it.  Who doesn’t?

When I read Acts 14, Paul and Barnabas were speaking in the synagogue and a “great number of Jews and Greeks believed”.  But at the same time, another group of people was stirring up trouble.  Of course, they didn’t stop sharing the truth because some people didn’t like it, they just went on preaching boldly and then went somewhere else.

Maybe because they were confident in what they were doing it made it easier for them to go on preaching.  and maybe I’m not always confident…for example, I know I don’t always say the right things, or if I do say the right thing, I don’t say it the right way or at the right time.   Yeah, I must have voices in my life telling me what I’ve done wrong….well, hey, at least they are honest and share how they feel–it’s better than not, I suppose.

and I wish I could blog more like my cousin and just say what I’m trying to say instead of dancing around topics and speaking in generalities.  But I’m always afraid my “feelings” will offend someone, so I don’t say just what I mean.   There I go again, people pleasing.

 

Living On Purpose

I have a friend who said she was gonna try something new every month in 2013, so, of course, I jumped on the wagon and decided to do the same. I figured it would help me be more intentional about the year…so i don’t look up in November and wonder “where did the year go?”  You know…make every day count, or at least every month.

So in January, I attended a Zumba class because I’ve always wanted to try that…it looks fun and the folks (mostly women 😉 ) look awesome shakin’ their booties! But, I like to say that I’m more of a “freestyle” dancer—basically, I’m just incapable of copying someone else’s moves….I was a train wreck (my mom went with me and can verify my story) but I had a really great time and burned tons of calories! It seems like there was one other new thing in January, but since its already the end of February, I’ve forgotten what it was. Oh, wait, I know…we hosted exchange students from S.Korea. That was new and fun!

In February, I’ve done more than one new thing (which I’m actually trying NOT to do since I don’t want to run out of things by the end of the year!). I made my own laundry soap because my sister did and I thought it was a great idea. So far I like it! It is super cheap and I LOVE the idea that I know exactly what is in it. WIN-WIN!  Also in February, I learned a new song on the guitar and finally learned how to play and sing at the same time–which is harder than it looks. I tried an acorn squash… And the waffle breakfast sandwich from Jack in the Box. It was amazing. 😀   There’s one more thing that was brand new in February, but I’ll save that for it’s own post.

Here’s a fascinating picture of the acorn squash…before I cooked it, and after, stuffed with taco meat and cheese.

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Grace Really is Amazing

Grace–a freely offered gift.

Right now, grace is still an afterthought, or at least a 2nd thought. My first thoughts are automatic, pathways created in my brain by years of habit and consistency. Making snap judgments about situations or people based on what I see with just my eyes.

Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart. I Sam 16:7

For grace to be possible, I give up my right to be right. To believe the best in others. To remember that I never have all the information. And that, above all, love and acceptance is far more powerful than judgement and condemnation.

Lord, let me be known by the grace I give.

Grace

Grace

Letting others be exactly who they are right now with no judgment.

Twenty Twelve in Review

The year 2012 in the life of CariKelley was the same as most…with its ups and its downs.   Here are some highlights and lowlights and firsts in no particular order of importance or occurrence.

  • Learned how to drink my coffee black–while this is not exactly a great feat in the grand scheme of things, it is notable in my life.  and to say that I “learned” is really not accurate–more like forced. Since I decided to “clean up” my food intake and because the creamers that I like and were using did not meet the minimum standards for health, they are out. Coffee, however, is necessary, so henceforth and hereafter, it is black.
  • Lost that last 10 pounds–finally. My weight loss/fitness progress had plateaued for about a year.  No matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to make any forward progress.   In November I heard about the Whole30 and decided to give it a whirl (mostly to deal with a nagging neck pain that remains unresolved).  30 days of no sugar, no dairy, no legumes, and no grains (NONE!) and that did it.  Wow…it wasn’t easy but it was life changing.
  • Found out I live in a money pit…my house is broken.  Foundation, plumbing, and other random crap.  Approximately $25G’s to fix it to make it sellable.  So…I guess we’re stuck here for a little while longer….or a lot while longer.  I can think of 3, maybe 4, solutions to this “problem”–1. a $$ windfall, 2. a destructive house fire (not wishing for this, but if it were to happen…), 3. Jesus comes back, or 4. we borrow money to fix everything and then slowly, gradually pay it back over the next 10 years. Only options 1 and 3 sound attractive at the moment.
  • My oldest child left home at 18–with some time I’ve come to realize this really is a good thing…no matter how painful it is, it’s good for him and good for us.  Wow…really hard though.  But he needs to grow up and what better way than the “sink or swim” method?  I know he has a strong faith foundation and I believe in him.  I hate to see him go through rough times, but he’ll be stronger and wiser in the end.
  • Shot a gun for the first time–lots of different guns as a matter of fact…my dad has a collection and a passion to teach.  =)  Lucky me!  Rifles, automatics, revolvers of various shapes and sizes.   It was very, very fun and I was pretty darn good at hitting a stationary target. (not exactly real-world applicable 🙂 )
  • Had my first drink–I have some really really great friends that may or may not be a corrupting influence. 😉  They took me out for my first alcoholic drink, a frozen Margarita…and then my second, another frozen Margarita…and then a third, again with the frozen Margarita.  I can’t seem to venture out from that one yet.  I like ’em~they are very lime-y and very yummy.  Yes, yes, this is a fairly dramatic shift in attitude and belief for me.   I’ve NEVER been a drinker of anything alcoholic.   Just didn’t see the point.  and then my kid left home and I wondered what it would be like to use alcohol to “relax” and, dare I say it….numb the emotions.  Not exactly a healthy thought process, but I can definitely see why some people drink. That being said, I don’t plan on getting ridiculously drunk ever…if you need reason why, just look to Cassio in Othello “Reputation, reputation, reputation! O, I have lost
    my reputation!”   Need I say more?

I’ve already got a list of firsts I’m going to do in 2013.   Take a Zumba class.  Take a Yoga class.  Try a different alcoholic drink other than a Frozen Margarita. Get a tattoo (this one is another massive shift in attitudes and beliefs I should talk more about later).   Maybe I’ll do one brand new thing a month–wouldn’t that be something to type about!?